Dear McDonald's Corporation: 

I am writing you during a time when public support for America, for our commander-in-chief, and for the struggle to bring democracy to Iraq (and the world) is at a dangerous low. I have been thinking of ways to help the situation and, of course, I started to think about your company. I was remembering the whole Freedom Fries phenomenon and how helpful it must have been for the patriotism of the members of congress to eat fries that symbolized the war for freedom. That thought struck me as rather important: with each one of the American people eating meals three or four times a day—what an opportunity for America, and what an opportunity for McDonalds. 

I want to translate the current McDonalds menu into a newer, more patriotic form. I believe that this will be a win-win scenario both for our country and for your company. Those who already eat at McDonalds will feel more patriotic after their meals, and people who are already patriotic will be drawn to eat the freedom-loving food at McDonalds. 

We may want to use the phrase Freedom Fries as a point of entry for people already familiar with the term—this way they will know immediately what we are up to with this new menu. Of course, if the congressional lunch room has copyrighted that term, we could go with Democracy Fries, or Liberty Fries. I think people will make the connection. I thought also that renaming some of the classic, all-American sandwiches like the Big Mac and the Hamburger could achieve our goal of fusing patriotism with eating. For example, instead of Big Mac we could do Operation Big Macky Freedom (that way we could still use "freedom"—such a great word!) I can already see the television spots for that one: a soldier sitting down at a McDonalds booth with the burger in his hand and a huge smile on his face as he prepares to liberate that sandwich. We will need to also reference WWII and other great battles in which we helped to save the world from various ideologies. (What do you think about changing Hamburger to 'Namburger? You get the idea.) We should probably stay away from renaming the salads because they might be a hard sell to red-blooded Americans. 

I've studied marketing quite extensively, and I believe we can send this menu across the globe as an ambassador in food form. My brother-in-law tells me that it won't sell in foreign countries because they hate us, but what he doesn't seem to understand is that that is the point. (For example, I am convinced that the more they eat Chickenhawk McNuggets, the more they will realize that they like us.)  

I recommend rolling this menu out in the USA and Canada immediately, to be followed by an ad campaign for foreign countries. 

I am interested in your response. 

Hail to the Beef!

Sincerely, 
 

Loren K. Balsker, "PhD"
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